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testosterone

What Your Workout Supplements Say About You

You might be the normal person who just takes supplements to give your body an edge or make the most of your workout. You might also be one of the whack-jobs that will take any supplement they can get their hands on no matter how insane it sounds. “Dehydrated deer penis? I’m in!” Either way, the supplements you take say a lot about you as a person. Here are some examples of the claims that people who take the following supplements believe, and the truth about them.

Testosterone Boosters

testosteroneThe Claim: Right now, you are weak. You are small. You are a tiny, pathetic wimp. Here, let me open that jar of sissy sauce for you. You make me sick. If you took Tribulus or ZMA powder or drank a D-Aspartic Acid Slurpee before every workout, you would be pumped to the max!

The Truth: No longer do you have to worry about all that stuff in your house that was unbroken, because now it’s a smashed heap thanks to your uncontrollable rage. Your hormones are all out of whack and your reproductive organs now look like something from a circus sideshow.

Warning: Testosterone may or may not cause head to spontaneously combust. Refer to photo on the left as evidence. 

Iron

The Claim: Dude, Iron is metal that your body needs to crank up your muscle mass. Do you want to be the bionic man or not? The reason you are so pale and flimsy is because you aren’t chewing on enough nails. Get this into your body and you’ll be able to catch a bullet. You’ll be Tony Stark, only way hotter and more yoked out.

The Truth: Unless you are a hard-core, dancing in the moonlight, praise-the-earth mother vegan, then you are getting enough iron from eating meat. Cramming more into your system will probably give you heart disease, which is great for your workouts if you like throwing clots, getting mouth to mouth from some sweaty beast at the gym, or the pick-me-up you’ll get when the EMT’s hit you with the defibrillators.

Creatine

creatine water weightThe Claim: You’re going to get massive! Huge! You’ll be ripped as hell and able to toss a Volkswagen 20 yards. You won’t fit through doors and will have to bust through walls like the Kool-Aid man. Oh Yeah! One day they will try to build a statue to honor your body but will run out of gold because you are too swole.

The Truth: You’ll gain weight all right, but most of it will settle right on your gut, your thighs, your glutes, and everywhere else. You’ll be able to start keeping spare change in your extra chins and injure innocent bystanders with the fat flap under your arm. You won’t bust through a wall, they will have to cut it open for the crane to pull you out of your house.

Glucosamine

The Claim: Your joints will be so damn healthy, they will last long after you are dead. You will have to sign a special form that allows them to harvest your joints to give them to sprinters in Kenya with bad knees. You’ll never again feel the pain of a hard workout and you’ll still be able to run 40 yards in 4.4 seconds when you’re 120.

The Truth: Glucosamine only works on arthritis, not joint pain from exercise. You know what works better? Don’t over train your joints. A picture of you dead lifting a Shetland pony might go viral on Instagram, but no matter how much glucosamine you’ve taken in, your knees are still going to ache.

Bitter Orange

The Claim: You will have to sign up for a 24 hour gym because you will have so much energy that you’ll have to burn it off lifting and sculpting your body to perfection. They’ll start charging you when you wear out all the equipment. When working out 7 days a week isn’t enough for you you’ll petition congress to add Pumpday onto the calendar.

The Truth: The only thing Bitter Orange is really good for is fighting fungal infections. It will help with jock itch and athlete’s foot, but there is no reason to eat it.

Glutamine

The Claim: You’ll be able to recover from a workout so fast that you will actually go back in time to before the workout and be ready to do it all over again! You’ll wake up with muscles in places you didn’t even work. Who are these pansies that have to work different muscle groups on different days? Pop some glutamine and do some squats.

The Truth: It will make your liver and intestines huge. Those organs love Glutamine and suck it up every chance they get. You’ll finally make all your modelling dreams come true when they put you on the cover of both Bloated Liver Monthly and Intestine Fancy.